*** this is an old classic story I’m asked to tell a few times …needs some work, but you’ll get the gist ***
Dateline, Saturday, Labor Day weekend. We left the Michigan State game at the end of the 2nd qtr and they were asleep before we even got off campus. So, we kept driving and headed up north to her parent’s place on Canadien Lakes (it was our plan all along, which actually added to the Friday-night-fights).
My nagging cough continues to get worse. But I am just plugging through.
All five of Kathy’s brothers and all their kids were there and we celebrated Jimmy’s 1st birthday and had tons of food and cake. It was great. All 15 neices and nephews, my two kids, and all the brothers and their wives. Busy, busy. All but 4 of them stayed the night and we had a great campfire. Marylin, quite simply, LOVES her cousins and at 2 1/2, she thinks she’s 5 years old when she’s around them. It’s very funny to see her “act” older.
Sunday we went to the beach for hours, played in the water, relaxed. The beach is a great place for a 2 1/2 year old and a 1 year old. You plop ‘em down, keep an eye on ‘em to make sure they don’t drown, but other than that, they keep themselves entertained the whole time.
Sunday night, everyone left, leaving only Kathy, me, and the kids for one last night. The evening was great …but …when I went to bed, my mo-in-law set me up on a “magic fingers” foam mattress enhancer. I told her it was not necessary and I’m always more than confortable on the fold out without it. BUt she insisted. She bought it special for me. “OK” I said. What I didn’t detect when I first laid down
was that she had a queen size version on a regular bed. She folded it in half-ish for extra thickness, but not completely in half. Only about 2/3rds of the way. So, I actually fell asleep on a ridge …at 11pm. I woke up at 2am …PARALYZED. OK, so not really, but I was in so much pain, I passed out while trying to roll out of bed and crawl my way down the hall. My back was spasming like crazy and I felt like Brooks Dean had punched me 20 times in the shoulder blade. I came to about 2:20 …yes, read that again …I passed out cold from the pain …so I know I passed out for 20 minutes. Luckily, Jimmy never woke up (Kathy was asleep – comfortably – in another bed with Marylin). As I laid there, face down, with my back spazzing
over and over and over again, and the pain of Brooks Dean’s punches still radiating just below my shoulder blade, I realized I had pissed myself upon passing out.
Have you ever wondered about how much pee is actually accumulating in the toilet bowl while you’re peeing? Well, I can tell you …ALOT!!! I would say I was laying in a puddle of my own piss equal to the equivalent of a 20oz bottle of water. And it smelled like piss.
So, now, I’m face down, in major pain, laying in my own piss, and I still can’t move because of the pain. And, for some reason, I still feel this responsibility to let my kids and in-laws sleep and I don’t call out for help.
2:35am …I’ve had enough. I’m moving. I attempt a push-up …I nearly pass out again. I start a coughing jag which causes MORE spazms. I’m in a half-kneel push-up pose, wincing, soaked in piss, and coughing like an 80-year-old man with emphysema. TRULY a sight to behold. But I fight on.
Slowly I start towards the tiny, trailer-home bathroom which I know has towels. Hand, pain. Hand, pain. Knee, pain. Knee, pain. And on and on for the 7 feet I had to traverse.
I’m not kidding when I say I was almost hoping to pass out again and just sleep it off.
I get to bathroom pretty quickly and use only my arms to pull myself to a kneeling position in front of the sink/toilet station (I’m in a trailer, folks). I try to use as little back muscles as possible, but here’s the thing …human’s backs are very important to almost everything they do.
Like when raising an arm. Back muscles. When kneeling. Back muscles.
OK …I’ll post my exo-musculo-skeletal summary some other time.
Amidst all the pain, I’m able to get 5 towels onto the floor and somewhat clean up my mess by 3:05am. I think to myself, “I’ll get back in bed and lay down.”
I do. I immediately diagnos the “ridge” as the cause of my pain. And the bed, now, seems like the most uncomfortable thing on earth. Like sleeping on the ridge of a rooftop, on top of golf ball.
3:10am I decide the ONLY way I’m going to even possibly get comfortable and get some sleep is to crawl into bed with Kathy and Marylin …a real bed. Off I go …crawling again …dragging myself on the ground, over the piss soaked towels, down the hall, through the room where my in-laws are sleeping, and out onto the
addition/porch where Marylin and Kathy are sleeping, warm, comfy.
I manage to crawl to our suitcase and get some dry-non-piss-soaked clothes out and then begin the near-impossible task of undressing myself while dealing with near-blinding pain and spazms.
Of course, Kathy wakes up as I’m naked on the floor next to the bed and is like “AAHHHHHHHH” (but in a whisper) …what is going on.
I respond with “*COUGH*, *COUGH* …I’m para …WINCE …lyzed!” (but in a whisper). “COUGH, COUGH.”
Kathy rolls outta bed trying not to wake Marylin, she doesn’t know if she should be worried or mad or what. I try to explain what’s going on, but we’re both whispering and then I just beg her …”help me get dressed and into bed. I’ll explain in the morning.”
It is now nearly 4am. I’m dressed in fressh boxers and a t-shirt. I’m struggling mightily to get into bed and find SOME position that’s comfortable. I’m not sure I slept more than 15 minutes at a time the rest of the night. I sat in one-spot for most of Monday while wearing a heating pad, coughing, and spazming. Kathy drove home. Spazming subsided. I was much, much better by yesterday evening.
I’m good today.
My coughing is the worst its been and I’m going to see my Dr. tomorrow.
Isn’t that fun?
